The Ultimate Relationship Guide and the Endless Possibilities of Love

In a world that celebrates the idea of love but refuses to embrace it in all its entirety, will we ever have relationships that have longevity? Toxic traits, broken promises, incompatibility, inconsistency, unsavoury surprises, infidelity, unequal yokes and unrequited love. All these are the fears that one may have, yet they are drowned in the surge of emotions that engulfs us when we are attracted to someone. I’ve been on a journey, discovering the very basics concepts of love and relationships, only to find that several more questions are added to the list for every answer I obtain. We all know that love isn’t a feeling; it’s a choice. Yet we speak the terminology of the clueless romantic:

Love is blind.

It was love at first sight. (But I thought love was blind?)

I’m in love

I’ve fallen in love. (Then get up!)

It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. (Really?)

 

All these crazy phrases are but the deceptions of society, twisting the perceptions of individuals who are truly seeking love. I have to admit that I myself am in search of love. I am looking for a godly wife, a chaste woman with whom I will spend the rest of my days chasing after God. However, it’s not that easy. We are told to use biblical methods to find the right partner. Women are told to wait while the men are advised to pursue. But who do you pursue? If there are a hundred godly women on the planet, who would pursue a relationship with? Some may say that you pursue the most attractive, but is that not our own perspective of things? And are we not basing our relationships on looks? What standard of godliness are we judging by? How godly must she be before she is too religious and legalistic? Therefore, we can presume two facts from this scenario:

1. The woman waits and only entertains a man who is pursuing her when she receives confirmation from God.
2. The man finds an attractive woman, brings her before God in prayer and waits for confirmation to pursue.

If such actions are carried out, not only would there be a good relationship with God before the relationship begins, but a good spiritual background for a couple to build their marriage upon. We would also commit to a relationship that would last a long time because God ordained it; marriage is only destined to end by death. Even though this fallen world has good justifications reasons for divorce, I still disagree with such a notion. Divorce wasn’t supposed to exist, and sadly, many prepare for it before they are even married. Others have developed failsafe structures in their lives to safeguard them if a divorce occurs. Abuse and infidelity are some of the largest contributions to divorce but doesn’t it boil down to your choice of partner? And have we heard Gods voice about the One we want to court? Other divorce reasons are like: I don’t love him/her anymore. That doesn’t make sense. Something can only become less interesting because the time spent with it has lessened. When effort isn’t invested in a relationship, it will begin to fade.

 

I’ve come across many people who claim that they knew he/she was the one they were going to marry. This doesn’t make sense to me because they cannot explain how they came to that conclusion. This does leave room for personal preferences and opinion and not divine truth. In a recent online show, I asked a pastor this question since he had married recently. He stated that he didn’t hear a voice from God because his choice was in the biblical description of a godly woman and his preference.

 

“God doesn’t tell us who to marry, or else it wouldn’t be free will. He does, however, guide us to the right partner.

 

God is not limited to telling us who to marry, though. You could have a dream of him/her before the actual encounter. There are many stories of that happening before. That’s my preference of things anyway, more clarity. Confirmation can also be tricked by our own minds because our minds can create them. I know a friend from school who liked a Christian girl he saw every day on a bus. He began praying about it. During a time of prayer, he asked God about her, and his phone began to ring. It was her calling. He took it as a sign of confirmation. Remember, the devil also loves interrupting prayer with distractions. I had countless times when the telephone rang for no reason during prayer time. A week later, I asked my friend how things were with his new girlfriend, and he responded: “She’s not my girlfriend; that girl is crazy!” A good relationship with God is the only way to ascertain a long-lasting relationship. Men need to know two Bible verses before they even look for someone to have a relationship:

1. Proverbs 18:22 He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favour from the Lord.
2. Proverbs 19:14 Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the Lord.

With that knowledge, who are we kidding thinking that we could find a wife without Gods plan? Now I’m not saying that there should be no emotions in a relationship, that’s where people seem to think I’m crazy. What I’m saying is that emotions should not lead the relationship. Feelings come and go but love is always here to stay. A relationship should be led by the Spirit of God, and not by our own preconceived ideas that were indoctrinated into our thoughts by Hollywood.

 

Dating VS Courting

Dating has only been around for roughly 350 years when Jean Jacques Rosseau wrote a book called Julie in 1761. The book was about a high-class woman who fell in love with a waiter. At that time, courtship existed. People found partners who matched their status, class or occupation. However, after the release of Julie which was a successful bestseller, people married for feelings. This is the danger of dating and many Christians out there are dating with no idea what they are doing. The difference is very outstanding. Dating is based on feelings, courtship is based on the final destination – marriage. Dating seeks where our feelings may lead us, they follow the emotions and this is why sex before marriage occurs. This is why teen pregnancies happen, we aren’t teaching our children the truth about love. I’ve noticed by observation that pregnancies that happen before marriage mostly places a responsibility on the man to marry the woman, even though it’s a huge disgrace in many cultures. The problem here is that they marry out of duty and not out of love, and eventually divorce occurs later. I’m not saying that your marriage is over if you sinned, I’m saying that you better place Christ in the centre of your relationship because if you sinned by fornication, He wasn’t there in the first place.

Courtship knows the direction, it knows the final destination is marriage. If Christ is in the relationship, it will succeed. I believe that parents should be involved in the relationship, advice should be directed to spiritual elders who give good godly advice. I believe in love the way it used to be back in the day when the man would approach a woman and ask her out, and he would approach her parents for permission to take her out. We don’t have that anymore, men have become wimps. Now we slide into DMs and text, we don’t have the guts to chase marriage, and those who are brave chase one night stands. Now a man will date a woman, and when he thinks she’s the one, he will propose and then finally meet the parents, who disapprove of the man. And that’s how families are torn apart. families lose their daughters to another man, accused of betrayal and intolerance.

 

 

Toxic Relationships

The amount of stories I have heard of is unbelievable. I’ve heard people recall the toxic traits of what guys do to girls and vice versa. We know that people these days aren’t taught how to love or maybe there’s an issue in their past that they never deal with. Whatever it may be, the spread of pain is seeping faster than you think.

 

 

 

Here are some toxic traits you need to know about:

1. Physical abuse
2. Swearing or calling you names
3. Threats or death threats
4. Emotional abuse
5. Financial tightfisted control
6. Social control, keeping you away from friends and family
7. Has a problem with you talking to other individuals of the opposite gender
8. Frequent lies
9. Purposely saying or doing things that hurt you
10. Bringing up the past
11. Blaming you for their crimes and abuse
12. Using your own weakness or confided secrets against you
13. Reputation destruction, spreading bad information about you.
14. Treats you like an enemy and then make themselves be the victim
15. Isolates you, make you burn bridges and break all connections. When this happens, you become totally dependant on them and in time of trouble, you have no one to turn to.
16. Rape
17. Anger tempest over small things
18. Searching your phone but not allowed to search theirs.
19. Forced PDA
20. If you live in constant fear because of your partner, you are being abused. It is time to LEAVE!

We live in a world where being alone is defined as a curse, but it’s not. The only thing worse than ending up alone is getting married and feeling the same way. Not many love deeply, some just want to feel good or feel secure. Others have a void to fill instead of an overflow of love to give. The intentions of relationships and marriage are what makes it or breaks it. The love of many has grown cold, so make sure you fast and pray before you ask her out, make sure you receive confirmation from God before you say yes to him. It is unfortunate that when most marriages fail, so do their faith. I’ve heard many stories of people who turned away from God because their partner cheated on them or divorced them. It is really sad but Christ must be in the relationship and Christ must have said the last word before it first began. I’m an advocate for love, I’m not against it. However, I have done everything to fight against all that goes against it. If you have found love, keep nurturing it, never take it for granted. Keep studying your wife, keep loving her. And wives, submit to your husband and respect him.

If you have not found love, keep searching for it on your knees, never give up on the search. keep believing that there is someone out there who God has designed especially for you. We know for sure that there are more females than men on the planet, we can then assume that every man may be married but not every woman. That’s the sad truth. So chase your purpose and you’d find the right partner. Your purpose comes first before anything else…

So what would be the endless possibilities of love? A man’s life changes so suddenly when he meets the One. His heart changes so do his priorities. He learns things that he never knew before, does things he never thought he’d ever do. His mind bends and warps in the mould of his expectations. Expectations of how he wants his life to be with her. His future is planned already in his blissful thoughts, and even though he never know what tomorrow brings, he looks forward to a time that he hopes to exist one day.  And she? Does not her Prince Charming present himself in the flesh? Does he not come to rescue her to another place? Does not the fairytales of books come to life when two come together in the harmony of romantic love? Oh, the possibilities of love that one could imagine…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Singleness

In a world that defines your happiness by a significant other, singleness is often seen as a cursed disease by many. Strange enough, the reality of the world today consists of single people hoping to be married and married people wishing to be single. And if you dare to look beyond the two way glass of illusions, you will find truly happy couples and truly happy single people. When it comes to singleness, some have chosen celibacy for the sake of their purpose and others have embraced singleness temporarily until their purpose aligns them to their future partner. It’s no use finding a life partner only to have found purpose afterwards and it doesn’t harmonize with your spouse. That leads to a miserable and unbearable marriage, filled with arguments derived from consistencies.

One should not rush into marriage or into a relationship, the world out there isn’t a bed of roses. So do your best to avoid the thorns. The tragedy of our era is that people don’t know how to love, they haven’t been taught how to and not many are searching for the syllabus. Love is not easy and many have conformed to an easy form of lust that instills selfishness in the hearts of individuals. This is the reason why abuse is so prominent today, gender violence and femicide is rampant in a culture that doesn’t know how to love. According to statssa.gov.za, 25326 divorces were recorded in South Africa in 2016, 44.4% of those divorces occurred in marriages that didn’t even last 10 years.

Marriage cannot be used as an escape from singleness, if we don’t prepare the foundation of relationships effectively, we might revisit it again with much more pain than we had at first…

It is staggering how many single parents there are in South Africa, 80% of single parents are mothers according to singlemotherguide.com. It is sad that we live in a time where fathers seem to be absent, and children grow up feeling unloved. As much as we may seem to ignore its impact, a child without a father or a mother can grow up with many side effects in their psychology. Rejection is one of the first attacks on a child’s mind and that is only the beginning.

Many relations have unfortunately ended because of abuse and marital unfaithfulness. At the romance period, everything may seem lovey-dovey but once things become clearer in a relationship, individals tend to show who they really are. I have spoken to many women who have been abused and betrayed, resulting in divorce. It breaks my heart how good godly women were dealt with such a dirty card in life but unfortunately that is the world we live in. There are good men out there but there are also the narcissistic kind that controls and manipulates for the sake of sadistic pleasure.

So with all this statistics thrown around, what am I saying? I’m in no way discouraging marriages and relationships, but I am warning people to think clearly before embarking on one. Don’t enter into a relationship without godly guidance and direction. Don’t be quick to rush into someones arms, neither be quick to kiss them. For very soon, souls begin to entangle with each other to the point that the knot is extremely difficult to untie. Weigh the odds, calculate the costs and never involve yourself with someone you don’t want to be with. Sometimes your gut might warn you of red flags, heed the warnings! Don’t be led by your emotions, because even that will change one day.

Singleness is something you don’t want to get back to. Once it is gone, to adjust your life back to it will be extremely difficult and painful. So when you make your transition, make sure that you choose someone who is godly and consistent. Don’t chase after someone who has good looks or knows how to play the game. A player can easily play you and a good looking guy can easily hurt you. I’m not saying they shouldn’t be attractive, but they should have godly substance. You want your marriage to be extravangant, not your wedding…

So think and pray, rationalize and prepare before entering a relationship, and you won’t face the time unnecessary pain. A marriage is about God, not yourself. It’s two godly individuals chasing after God with a common purpose.

The Search For Love

Open the search engine and type it in

Surf through every link

Skim through every textbook

Research every archive

Browse in every library

Open every treasure chest

Inspect every attic

Break beyond the atmosphere

Gaze at every star

Exam the Milky way

Scrutinize every galaxy

The Sun mourns its absence

The moon wails its truancy

Where is love?

 

Dive into the deepest sea

Hunt the darkest jungle

Discover the treacherous caves

Climb the highest mountains

Descend the lowest mountains

Mine the stubborn ground

Until it is successfully found

Pursue every hurricane

Rummage the inside of every volcano

Interrogate every earthquake

Question the tsunami

Investigate every avalanche

Study the drought

Where can love be found?

 

Can such a question be posed at humanity?

Will mankind be able to answer?

Do they keep it locked up in casket?

Or carry it around in a basket?

No one questions its absence?

Has hearts been emptied out?

To create space for selfishness?

It cannot be sold, can it?

If it could, would they ban it?

Did they adopt a replacement?

Or has a clone been made?

Are we happy with the prop?

It’s placed here and there

To make life easy to bear

 

I hope you find true love, I really do.

But first, take in this clue

You must disown you

To make something new

 

 

 

 

Book Review #3: Christian Sex Ed

We live in a time where churches do not preach about sex. Young people are not being taught about a biblical way of relationships which causes young Christians to end up broken and with sexual addictions. Dane Fragger, the author of Christian Sex Ed has researched much of the statistics of sexual addictions such as masturbation and pornography. Now when we think about these taboo acts, we mostly think of perverted men. Truth is, women are also in chains with these demonic addictions. 85% of Christians are addicted to pornography according to statistical research done by Dane Fragger. Now the church doesn’t really help because people are ashamed of their actions and are afraid to seek help for fear of being judged and looked upon in a different light.

I read the book within 3 hours due to the way it captivates the reader. (It was actually supposed to be read by a chapter a day) The book is raw and dives straight to the point and it takes no prisoners. I recommend the book as it is designed to set those in bondage free. I was a bit disturbed with the number of times the word ‘sex’ was used in that book but I felt God say: Would you rather let the world teach Christians on a different version of sex? Because that happens every single day. This is the manual of purity. You purchase his book from Amazon.

 

Dane Fragger is the founder of Christian Sex Ed. Ministries. Millions of believers around the world who desire to learn about dating, sex, and sexual purity view his content each month.  Christian Sex Ed: Everything You Need To Know About Sex and Purity.

Over the last couple of years, Dane has been interviewed on national television and by several highly esteemed radio stations and podcasts. He holds a bachelor’s degree in Psychology and is working towards a master’s degree in Biblical Studies. He is also a graduate of Word of Life Bible Institute. Dane has been in ministry for eight years and currently serves as a pastor on staff in Los Angeles, California, where he lives with his beautiful wife, Asia, and lovely daughters, Eliana and Elizabeth.

 

Just My Thoughts…

I don’t like this world that we are living in. I don’t know if it’s just me or is there others out there? So much of brokenness around us and what are we doing? Those who complain about this sick world are probably the ones causing the problems or doing nothing about it. We live in a world that will grab a Ferrari at the expense of your bread and butter. Giving is better than taking but no one believes that anymore. We live in a society that aims high, so high that they will trample others to get there. Morals are out the window and what’s left in the room apart from chaos? We think we are good people because of what we have as if we worked for it but did we? We just acted shrewdly to obtain things without batting an eye. That’s the world we live in and sadly some people get into the rat race and they never get out of it. The rat race is when we strive to have a better lifestyle. So we get that car, we get that house, and all the luxuries that you can’t afford because it’s all on credit. Then you have a promotion and you earn more. So what do you do? Because you earn more you decide to upgrade your life. This results in you getting more in debt and you still have no money. So what has changed? Nothing! You still in the same situation, your life hasn’t improved! You still chasing money because of the debts and you still can’t sleep at night. We then compromise our morals because we are afraid of losing our jobs so we will do anything we are told to do. Hence, we are slaves…

Money has destroyed people by its existence and by its absence…

What about the Church? What are they doing? They are also in the system. Are they not? They preach promotion and money and blessings! You hardly hear about Christ and what He has done for you anymore. It’s all about what He can do for you if you pay more tithes. All those people who dress wealthily are handsomely welcomed but if a beggar came in, would they be treated Christlike? I don’t know. They probably would look down on them and think that God was punishing that person for their lack of faith. I remember being in a prosperity church when I was a kid. Everyone looked down on you as if you were a sinner. Strange enough, I probably knew the Bible more than them. I’m not boasting, they were. I remember when a man told my Dad during a meeting that the reason why he was battling financially was that he hardly spent time with God. Strange though, my Dad always had devotion every night. He attended church services religiously but that doesn’t matter, right? I would pray for God to bless me and provide all the things I needed but all I heard was my voice echoing off the ceiling and coming back to me with silence. Where you at God?

Some people treat God like He’s an ATM

‘Draw’ me close to you is what we say to Him

I stopped praying for blessings a long time ago. My good works don’t qualify for God’s grace. Yes, He provides but He gives because of His grace, not because He owes you. Not because you are a Christian. Not because you pay tithes. God is God and He is above all things. He cares for you. I learnt a lot during those times of struggle. It showed me my true friends and sadly, they are extremely few.

 

I wrote a book and wanted to publish it but I didn’t have the finances. I eventually got a job but now I don’t have time to edit it. I don’t have time to write anymore. I got a old laptop that takes long so I can’t do it when I come back from work. I write my poetry free style on the internet. I create these quotes for Instagram but that comes from my thoughts in my head. Sometimes I’m unable to write that thought down and so I forget it, never to return again. I said things to people that made them cry yet on the other side of the world someone is hating me for telling the truth. I encourage one person and then switch to someone who is debating against the Gospel. Atheists, Calvinists and people who believe that I’m too religious. Currently, 32% of my followers say that I’m too judgmental. I guess that’s what they call those who tell the truth. I write poetry for the Church and I know they not going to like it. But the day is coming when I will say what I need to say, and they will have to hear the truth.

 

Enough of the past and the present. Let’s go to the future. I’ve been thinking about a lot of the One who I will be spending my life with. I haven’t met her yet and I’m starting to question her existence. It’s hard searching for something rare but it’s even harder waiting for something that you expect to be coming. Especially when the clock is ticking. Many of my friends are already married or are thinking about it. I have never dated before because I’m waiting patiently for the One. People ridicule me, I don’t care but what if she isn’t real? I want a godly woman but it’s hard to see some in my church! I guess my standards are too high or they just succumbed to the status quo of church women? Maybe I’m too religious or self-righteous but I’m not willing to compromise who I am for the sake of infatuation. I’m not saying that these women are low standard but I’m not going to be in a relationship where there is no compatibility.

“Don’t worry Kristian, you will find a nice godly woman who you will marry.”

“Thanks, but I stopped believing in fairytales a long time ago…”

I’m someone with logic. I won’t give it up for emotions. Too many people let down their morals for beauty. But I rather find beauty in someone who leads me to Christ. You would be surprised to find how many people who regret marrying who they are married to right now. They hate men/women and trash talk marriage. I don’t want to end up like that. To marry someone is to dedicate your entire life to that person so you have to make the right decision! If you are interested in someone, don’t go hitting them up over text, they can hide who they are with those emoji’s. Spend time face to face and then you will know who you are dealing with. Because if you are having a relationship over a mobile device, chances are you will one day marry that stranger!

I have to admit that I have like girls in the past. Girls that I had admired or maybe I was just infatuated with but I never pursue them because I knew I wasn’t ready. The question is: How will I know when I am?

I feel in love with someone. Or probably the illusion that I have created in my mind of who she is or will be like. Chances are, my dreams will come true or I’ll be greatly disappointed…